I am participating in Self Love September challenge started by our beloved Four Queens, Kelly-Ann Maddox. You can find out more about this challenge on her YT channel by the same name.
Today's focus is on our self love journey. So I figured I would just give as brief as possible run down about my ongoing journey to accept myself and love myself because at this point, I am far from having a healthy relationship with myself.
So let's begin...
I don't remember a time where I was happy with myself or accepted myself until somewhat recently. I grew up in a loving accepting home which one would think would allow for healthy growth of one's self perspective. If this were the case i would probably have a huge ego! ☺ This wasn't the case though. Through my childhood into adulthood I was constantly harassed for various reasons. Being legally blind one a big one, coming from a low income family where we would have to shop at Goodwill for clothes, being a bit of a non-conformist by nature, dressing bizarrely, and having the hyperactive-annoying energy level that puts a lot of people off. There was an abundance to choose from to be picked on for. Hell, even today, my friends say I am easy to give shit to because I am so reactive to things. It is just how I am.
People called me ugly, stupid, weird, annoying, blindy, and plenty of worse things even for no reason other then I stood to close to them. It got bad enough to the point of attempting to kill myself in middle school and my parents sending me to the "blind school" in our state. I learned quickly that though they can't make fun of my eye sight, they still could make fun of everything else. I learned to have a thicker skin there and eventually I returned to my public school with a bit of a strong sense of self. Still very low self esteem that came out by being promiscuous, bad choices in boyfriends, dabbling in some bad behaviors, and trying to please others rather then myself all the time.
It snowballed into getting married right out of high school to someone who was verbally and mentally abusive. During my senior year I had actually gained some self esteem by going back to the blind school for academic reasons because they had a better program to get ahead in. I was a part of many school organizations and sports and I felt that I was finally if not on top, near the top of my capabilities at the time. So I thought getting married to this guy was another step up because of course I could fix his faults. Obviously that didn't work. That relationship lasted for almost 3 years and was one of my lowest points in my life where I was considering doing what I did in middle school. I finally had to stand up for myself and I divorced him.
During almost a year of living on my own and dating some of course, bad men, I did learn to rely on myself which was another positive. I also went back to school which gave me purpose. I also met my current husband while in college and was one of my best choices to be with him. Needless to say, this guy is a patient man. We ended up having a child within one year of being together but instead of causing drama it brought us closer.
He went back into the military and during his deployment we found out our child was autistic and I hit another low point. I was so incredibly depressed I went back to counseling which I hadn't since I was in school (mind you I was in counselling almost the entire time in school). I also got diagnosed with adhd and bipolar 2. This explained a lot of things and if I had been diagnosed sooner I probably would have been in a better mental state through some of my younger years. After this point, when my husband returned, we moved out of state for a few years and overall things have since been alright. There have been some low points of course in the last decade with him but we have a pretty strong relationship.
I recently, after my dad's death last summer, hit a rocky point where I recently chose to get back on what I like to call my "mental meds". The death triggered old mental states that I knew I needed help dealing with.
So that is where I am at in my life experience and through that I have had some growth to where I no longer think I am ugly but just average, that I have a few traits I like about myself, that I am good at a few things, rather then thinking I am useless and have nothing to offer. I also have never felt weak for getting on my medication either like some people do. If I need it, then I need it ya' know?
I have had a very uphill battle in my life with just about everything with a few plateaus where I feel contented, but never really fully happy. I am not sure I have ever felt pure happiness about myself or life in general. Nor peace. I think it is obvious why.
I am hoping that this challenge I can achieve in part some new perspective of myself that will allow a better sense of self, love for myself, and a smidge of happiness.
Feel free to comment or ask questions, I am really an open book.
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